A simple way to identify one of those strangers is to constantly ask yourself this question: “What will Christmas be like for you this year?” The moment you ask that question, your sub-conscious mind will go to work for you. All of your sense-gates, especially sight, will move into a heightened state of awareness. You’ll start noticing finer details – facial expressions, the lack of sparkle in their eyes, their tendency to slouch, and more. Your intuition will search the unseen and you may even begin to feel their pain, their hopelessness, loneliness, fear and sadness.

It’s all too easy to walk on past and pretend not to notice. Most people do. But what if, this Christmas, you decided to step outside of your comfort zone. What if you rose above your own fears and inhibitions and focused on the stranger’s need. Introduce yourself; just a first name will do. Ask for their name, and then ask that same question: “What will Christmas be like for you this year?” Finally, you have the most important step in this experience… listen! Really listen. This alone is a most wonderful gift that such people rarely receive; another human who cares enough to take some time to truly listen.

Of course, your own FACE style will determine how you might approach your stranger. And, if you’re struggling with this ‘Christmas Gift for a Complete Stranger’ concept – if your fears and inhibitions are getting the better of you – the FACE Team is here to help. I’ve asked Frennie, Lystie, Rollie and Ennie to give you an insight on how they approach strangers. Yes, they have all done it before; many times.

(By the way, for clarification purposes, ‘Frennie’, ‘Lystie’, ‘Rollie’ and ‘Ennie’ are the nicknames we’ve affectionately given to the four FACEs – FRIEND, ANALYST, CONTROLLER and ENTERTAINER. Just be careful with Rollie, because he’s not so keen on his nickname. Actually, he’s a big softie when you get to know him well.)

Anyway, I really encourage you to reach out to your stranger. Not only will you brighten their Christmas, but you too will experience the powerful gift of humility, simply by giving a moment of your time. If you choose to go beyond listening and bless your stranger with something more tangible, so be it. There is no limit to the ways you might do that.

Of course, be safe in whatever you choose. Take your time and allow your sub-conscious and your senses to do their job before you approach anyone. Trust your gut instinct and consider the warnings that come from your inner voice. Personally, once I’ve met my stranger; I never give my last name, my address or my contact details, and I always make sure I’m in a place where there are plenty of other people around.

Receiving cannot occur without the initial act of giving. The genesis and foundation of Christmas is fundamentally all about giving. Indeed, giving is the very Spirit of Christmas. And to choose to give a gift to a complete stranger this Christmas will be the best gift of all.

Merry Christmas!

Gen Y is larger than the Baby Boomers and a whopping 3 times the size of Gen X. They’re confident, relentless, inquisitive and hi-tech. They’re financially savvy, entrepreneurial and not afraid to take risks. They are the emerging leadership of the business world and they have a style all of their own. They also have a sense of urgency and expectancy that
causes the older generations to fluctuate between infuriation and fear.

However, there’s a lot to like and welcome about Gen Y. They are a generation that respects the wisdom of their elders (despite their constant questioning). At this time in their lives (generally speaking), they welcome leadership. They want to be a part of the team. An equal part. Given the right mentoring, Gen Y will thrive in your business and,
subsequently, your business will thrive as well.

When it comes to FACE styles and communicating with Gen Y, is it any different to other generations? Yes, there are some variables; but on the whole it’s largely the same. The same principles of FACE are found in Gen Y as in any other group of people. It IS necessary though, to factor in the generational characteristics when conversing with them.

By the year 2020, just about every business and organization will have more Gen Y employees than any other generation. Many will have a Gen Y at the helm. Now is the time to FACE up 2 Gen Y. Welcome them! Because, ready or not, here they come! Actually, it’s more like “Here they are!”

Incidentally, we offer specialized training, coaching and consultancy for organisations and individuals who need help in becoming more ‘Gen Y friendly’. If you would like to find out more, simply send us an email to enquiry@facematrix.com.au and tell us what you need. We’ll be back in touch in just a day or two.

Where does their ‘must-happen-now’ urgency come from?

Can’t they see that they’re expectations are unrealistic?!

Are they really that naïve or are they just impatient?

Let’s tackle one question at a time.

Their ‘must-happen-now’ mindset has many influencers, so we’ll zero in on one. Gen Y’s have grown up in a very turbulent period of time in recent history. Some of the major events that have shaped their thinking include the fall of communism in Europe, 2 Gulf wars, the Oklahoma bombing, 9/11, massive earthquakes, tsunamis and other significant disasters. They see their lives in this world as volatile, unpredictable and potentially short. So they want to get the most they can as quickly as they can.

Unrealistic expectations? Compared to what?! Gen Ys are confident in themselves and eager to maximize every opportunity. Most of them have Baby Boomer parents who have encouraged them to “Go for it!” and do what makes them happy. They’ve been given permission (by the most significant authority in their lives – their parents) to have high
expectations. And when you couple this with their ‘must-happen-now’ mindset, it’s not hard to see how, to them, their expectations are entirely realistic.

Are Gen Y’s naïve? Perhaps. Then again, weren’t you and I and our peers once naïve young men and women? Even today, we could all look into some area (or areas) of our lives and identify degrees of naivety. Are Gen Ys impatient? I think that’s relative to their circumstances, their upbringing and their FACE style. And it’s equally dependent on how our perspectives have been shaped.

My conclusion…

No, I don’t think Gen Ys are impatient. They are a different generation; different to mine and maybe different to yours. They need to be understood, we need to help them understand us; and those of us with the wisdom and the will must step forward to take on mentoring roles for them. In the next 10 to 15 years, the Gen Ys will become the dominant generation in the workplace. Due to the size of their generation and the relatively smaller generation that will, follow them, they are also likely to remain dominant for a few decades. So how ‘bout we become one big team and prepare them for the awesome responsibility that lies ahead of them.

Incidentally, (as mentioned in the September FACE News) we offer specialized training, coaching and consultancy for organisations and individuals who need help in becoming more ‘Gen Y friendly’. If you would like to find out more, simply send us an email to enquiry@facematrix.com.au and tell us what you need. We’ll be back in touch in just a day or two.

Usually when we’re with the ones who know us most intimately; those are the times when we will typically revert to type; meaning, we become our most natural self. It’s when our behavioural guard is at its lowest ebb and, subsequently, the best and the worst of our nature are most free to reign. Is this a good or a bad thing? I think it’s neither. It just is.
What’s more important is our self-awareness.

The same people who are closest to us are also the ones who are most qualified to advise us of our idiosyncrasies. Thankfully, my wife has been persistent enough with me (over the years) to repeatedly remind me when my pace is too fast or when I need to open up a little more. Nowadays, it takes just a certain look from her and I know instantly what I’m
doing right (or wrong).

When you understand your own FACE style, and you also have an understanding of other FACE styles – especially the style of that special someone in your life – you then have the opportunity to improve your self-awareness. You can catch yourself being you; capitalize on your good habits and gain more control of your not-so-endearing qualities.

Remember, the key to successful relationships is ‘Effective Communication’; and the key to effective communication is ‘Understanding’. To find out how FACE can help you become more self-aware; send us an email to enquiry@facematrix.com.au and ask
the question: “Do you speak my language?”

The language barriers between people from different nationalities are obvious and expected. To overcome those barriers, we can seek to become multi-lingual or engage interpreters to translate for us. However, what I find most intriguing about human communications is when people who speak the same language get lost in translation.

“I’ll follow you to the shopping mall,” she said.

“We only have one car,” I clarified (with a note of classic Australian sarcasm).

“Yes… that’s why I will follow you!” she confidently confirmed.

My wife is Chinese-Malaysian and what she was saying (when translated into my version of English understanding) was that she would travel with me in the same car to the same destination. This is just one of many instances when the same words and phrases we use can have quite different meanings. Over the years of our marriage, we’ve come to understand those differences. It’s this firsthand experience which has not only helped me to understand her more, but has also given me greater insight into the many ways that communication can become miscommunication.

Our upbringing, culture, ethnicity, education and socio-economic circumstances are some of the parameters that influence the way we each speak and/or understand our language. Then, if we add variations in FACE styles to the mix, the potential for misunderstandings to occur increases even further.

Apart from some of the parameters mentioned in the last paragraph, my wife and I also have different FACE styles. I am a Pedigree-CONTROLLER and she is a Friend-ANALYST. The Pace (X) axis of my FACE is ‘Driver’ (aggressive, impulsive, leader, seemingly fast); whereas her Pace is ‘Observer’ (passive, cautious, follower, seemingly slow). On the Relationship (Y) axis, we are both on the Closed half and the difference between us is less polarized. Even so, to ensure we are speaking the same language (most of the time), we are continually working towards greater understanding of each other.

The key to successful relationships is ‘Effective Communication’; and the key to effective communication is ‘Understanding’. To find out how to speak the same language with people who supposedly speak the same language as you, and to understand how FACE helps you make that happen; send us an email to enquiry@facematrix.com.au and ask
the question: “Do you speak my language?”

Before we go any further, let’s balance the ledger. Whilst most of us husbands are capable of getting into ‘the mood’ at the speed of light, we also experience the same feelings of disinterest from time-to-time; more often than our beautiful wives may realise.

The solution to the elusive ‘mood’ (as mentioned above) is FOREPLAY. No, not the private, behind-closed-doors variety of foreplay (important as that is); rather it’s the spoken and unspoken non-contact form of foreplay. It’s foreplay in the words we choose, our tone of voice, our body language and facial expressions. It’s foreplay in the gifts we give, the quality time we spend with each other; and when we praise, encourage, compliment, say “thank you” or forgive.

Foreplay, as a non-contact sport, is played by novices, amateurs and professionals alike. It’s a sport that, if you so choose, you can play for your entire married life. It’s a sport that, when played with genuine intent, will constantly increase your levels of energy, happiness, love and peace. This foreplay begins long before you ever get to the bedroom, and remains with you long after you do.

So, are you ready to play?

If you would like to delve deeper into this subject or if you’re interested in giving more to your marriage in 2011, check out FACE for Couples.

Let’s unpack this concept a little more. And, by the way, this is a whole lot bigger than just sex.

The more I understand about my wife’s needs, wants and desires, the more I understand how to please her. Making love with my wife – emotionally, relationally, conversationally, spiritually and, yes, even physically – is a lifelong study. In the early days, I was a very committed student. But, I have to admit, since we got married, I’ve gone through periods of time (sometimes long periods) when I haven’t studied at all. (Just so you know, in the school of marriage, cramming will almost never get you through the exam.)

What do you understand about your spouse? What are her likes? What are his dislikes? What is his primary love language? What is her communication style? How much effort do you put into meeting her needs, her desires; his wants, his pleasures? Does all of this still sound like hard work?

A very wise person once said “Give and you will receive.” Notice that the phrase starts with ‘give’, not ‘get’? If you want to be heard, then listen. If you want to be understood, then seek to understand. If you want your spouse to love you more, then love your spouse more. Making love through understanding will always require me to make the first move. It’s that simple!

By the way, if you’re interested in giving more to your marriage in 2011, check out the Sneak Preview to FACE for Couples

“If my husband wants me to show him more affection, he better start being more sensitive to my needs!” says Amanda.

If you do this, you get that. If you don’t have that, then you can’t be this. Take a look at just about any area of human activity and you’ll find that it operates on certain conditions. ‘A’ must match up with ‘B’ in order to attain ‘C’. All of our systems – justice, legal, education, law enforcement, government, transport, social, you name it – they all have conditions and criteria that must be met, in order for them to serve us well. However, when it comes to relationships, it is often the unconditional acts that have the greatest power.

In business, Graham says, “I always go the extra mile for my customers.” This is undoubtedly a good business practice; but when he adds, “My only motive for doing so is to try and generate more repeat business,” then there is still a conditional element to his actions. Bridget, on the other hand says, “I do more for my customer – you know, giving them more than they paid for – for no other reason than because I can. I know it usually results in more business; but even if it doesn’t, I’m not going to change a thing!” Now that’s unconditional.

In our relationships with friends, it becomes a little easier to give and to serve with an unconditional spirit. These are the relationships that we have chosen for ourselves, so there is usually an inherent willingness to do more; largely because it makes us feel good. In fact, this is one of two areas of human relationships where unconditional love and kindness occurs most freely. The other is in the realms of charity and community service.

Then there’s Ray and Amanda. They met in Hawaii. Ray was on a surfing trip with a few buddies. They had all just graduated from university. Amanda is 2 years older than Ray. She and her best friend were taking a break before they started their new jobs as nurses in a major hospital. Ray and Amanda hit it off right from the start; it was one of those love-at-first-sight stories that make for a perfect Hollywood blockbuster. Anyway, that was 23 years ago. Their comments at the beginning of this article are where they’re at now.

How does a relationship go from love-at-first-sight to a marriage of slander and spite? The answer is obvious: When genuine love comes first, all actions are naturally unconditional; whereas, conditional love is no longer love at all; it’s just a set of rules to abide by.

If your marriage has sunk to the kind of low that Amanda and Ray are living, there is a simple way to get back to the love you had when you first said “I do”. Simple? Yes. Easy? No.

All you need to do is make the decision, every day, to give your spouse ONLY unconditional acts (and words) of kindness, gentleness and love. You see, the formula works in reverse: When you choose unconditional actions, genuine love will naturally return. Even if your spouse never responds in kind and even if it ends in divorce, you will at least be free from the chains of conditional love.

I challenge you… BOTH of you… Choose to love each other unconditionally for just one year. Do it one day at a time, for 365 days. The results will amaze you. Genuine love will consume you. Amanda and Ray, how ‘bout you try it too?!

Do You Want to Take Your Marriage to a Higher Level?

What if you could choose, in advance, the best year of your marriage? If you could, would you choose 2011 or would you wait for 2012, or somewhere else down the track of time?

At the beginning of every year, I make the decision that this year is the best year in my marriage. Every morning I get up early and spend about one hour in quiet-time – thinking, mentally planning or dreaming of ideas for the day – and then I write in a journal. What I write is a summary of my expectations for the day ahead and every daily journal-entry ends with the statement… “This is the best year of my marriage.”

2010 was the best year of my marriage; not because of what happened, but because of the attitude I took with me into every day. Of course, my wife and I had some challenges, some problems and a few roadblocks from time-to-time. The difference was; I dealt with ever obstacle through the mindset of “This is the best year of my marriage.”

Turn that around for a moment and imagine going into every day with the head-space of “This is the worst year of my marriage.” Can you see how your attitude towards everything would be vastly different?

So, here’s the big question… What sort of year do you intend to have in your marriage in 2011? You can freely make the choice, right now, that 2011 is, indeed, the best year of your marriage. Make it your New Year’s Resolution. It’s just a simple, wilful decision!

Plan how you will make 2011 the best year of your marriage. Part of that plan could be for you and your spouse to complete the FACE for Couples course. It is especially designed to help married and soon-to-be-married couples to gain greater understanding of each others’ communication styles. Put your love on the top of the list for your New Year’s resolution and HAVE A BRILLIANT MARRIAGE IN 2011!

Find out more about FACE for Couples

So, what defines an everlasting gift? Is it rubies and pearls? A dream home or luxury car you’ve worked so hard to achieve? Could it be a precious family heirloom passed down through generations? They say “diamonds are forever”, don’t they? The short answer is: None of these are everlasting. No matter how expensive or how fabulous they look, diamonds are just pretty rocks.

Everlasting can only stand tall in the midst of the intangibles; indeed, in relationships and matters of the heart. Happiness, kindness, loyalty, trust, friendship and love; these are everlasting. All the wealth in the world doesn’t insure a marriage from the potential of divorce.

Perhaps if we were to invest the same amount of time, money and energy into our relationships as we do seeking out the right Christmas gifts; then maybe we would experience a whole lot more happiness, kindness, loyalty, trust, friendship and love. Maybe, more children would wake up every day to “Good morning!” hugs from both Mummy and Daddy. Maybe, there would be more parents, like mine, who have recently (and happily) celebrated their 52^nd wedding anniversary.

“50 years of marriage happens just one day at a time and by a daily-renewed commitment to effective communication”, my mother tells me. That’s why, in 2011, I’m re-committing to a marriage that treasures the everlasting gift of love. I’m investing in ‘FACE for Couples’.

How ‘bout you; what’s your marriage investment for 2011? Remember, invest in your marriage, not just the wedding.

Find out more about FACE for Couples